Yes and, and yes but. They seem like such simple little phrases, but strangely they have both had a significant impact on my life. The power of both these phrases and their relevance to the integration of comedy and psychology recently became clear to me after a conversation with the comedian John Heffron. Allow me to explain.
Although I became a therapist after a comedian, in this case it is useful to start with a style of interaction I learned in my first year studying psychology. The yes, but personality. Sounds so innocent, but this phrase is actually at the root of one of the most frustrating styles of personal communication around.
At first glance, people who use this phrase seem perfectly agreeable. They nod and smile, and listen carefully to your well-thought out advice. Perhaps they will even compliment you on the wisdom and poignancy of your opinions.
But invariably the other shoe drops. As quickly as they initially embrace your ideas, they swat them away. This is the woman who asks you for relationship advice who keeps going back to the same guy over and over again. The lonely guy who asks you to set him up who finds a problem with each and every person you suggest. Think about the yes butters in your life and how you feel after a conversation with them. What is conjured up?? Confusion? Frustration? If so you’re not crazy, and you might be thankful to know that psychologists such as Alfred Adler were talking about this personality style nearly 100 years ago.
The “yes, but” style of communication may best be described as a passive-aggressive personality. People who suffer from this personality style are often stuck in a state of personal conflict that makes it extremely difficult for them to make decisions, and they often become quite adept at passing this intrapsychic turmoil on to the people they interact with.
To some degree we all have a “yes, but” conversation going on in our heads, and I suspect it holds us back from doing a lot of the things we want to do. How often do we talk ourselves out of taking a chance or following a dream by conjuring up counterarguments in our heads? I don’t have enough time, or, where would I get the money? and a million other restraints echo in our heads all the time, reasoning, rationalizing, and otherwise throwing cold water on the creative forces that exist inside of us.
Which leads me to “yes, and.” I was introduced to this phase when I first got to Chicago and enrolled in Improv classes at The Second City theatre, home to many of my comic idols, and I was sure the launching pad to my own illustrious career in the field. Not knowing much about Improv, I grew fascinated by its central tenet, the concept of “yes, and,” which was based on the idea that you added something to everything your scene partner offered. Therefore if someone came on stage and said, “I see you’ve been to the psychiatrist,” you might respond with, "Yes, AND I saw my gynecologist, they’re in the same complex so I just see them together now.” Point being that you take an idea that someone offers, listen to it, and then add even more. This concept and this school of thought has produced many of the greatest comedians who ever lived, several of whom got their start in this same little theatre I was studying at.
I never did become world famous as a comedian, but years later I’m a therapist and I found myself thinking about the value of “yes, and” and how much creativity is produced when our initial response to things is in the affirmative. So often we fall into cognitive traps that make it very difficult for us to change, and most of the problems start directly inside our own heads. Yes, and, takes work. Our minds fall into a default state of comfort where we are comfortable with the demons that we know. Yes, and is scary and different, but perhaps it is also an important part of making real changes in our lives. I’m challenging myself to try using this the next time I find myself rationalizing why I don’t follow through on a goal that is important for me to accomplish. Try it out, AND perhaps even add something to this simple premise that I have suggested. For me at least, much of the great laughter in my life has started with Yes, and, and I hope that it can work for you as well.
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